Jul. 25th, 2017 05:02 pm
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I'm under a lot of stress, largely in the background, even if I'm otherwise in an okay mood. I have moments, flashes, of incredible sadness. Sadness at the loss of a relationship that ended two years ago. At the loss of an entire life, one where I had a partner I could rely on, and a home. Gone now. I feel rudderless. I'm struggling to complete simple goals. But perhaps setting simple goals to begin with is a start. A new life will take shape from this mess, I tell myself. Maybe it will even be better than the one I'm mourning.
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The other day I started practicing shodaigyo meditation again. I hadn't done it in a long time. It's a powerful practice, and focusing on the Odaimoku - chanting it steadier and for longer - has really had a calming, yet energizing effect on me. April marked 10 years since my taking jukai, and I've used the occasion as an opportunity to develop a more consistent practice, which has been a mostly successful endeavor. I'm beginning to understand the idea of attaining Buddhahood in this very life through upholding the Lotus Sutra in a more experiential way.

As Nichiren Shonin says, when one touches the Sutra, one's hand becomes a Buddha. When one chants it, one's mouth instantaneously becomes a Buddha. This is our practice.
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A few more quiet moments...

I'm very tired and frazzled. I'm supposed to go look at that apartment today. Moving doesn't feel as urgent at the moment, but it's something that will need to happen soon. I don't know if I can swing it. So much stress around money right now. There are things I can do to alleviate it, but I can't seem to find sufficient motivation.

I feel badly about that last therapy session. It's just as well that I have a 3-week break from it. I felt...badgered. Pressured. Hounded. I understand what he was saying. I just don't feel validated too much, though he made it clear a long time ago that I probably wasn't going to get that from him.

Anyway...I really need to do something about all this. Sit down and set some goals. I'm not going to be able to rely on anyone to provide substantial help. I have to do this on my own. I know I can. I just need to do.
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I'm glad I got the car thing taken care off. That's one worry off my mind. I have yet to hear from Brody. I'll text him again later. I probably should just leave it. I really don't know what to make of this. Sometimes I think he's definitely interested, and then I'll glance at myself in a mirror and think "Ugh."

So who knows? I want to find out for sure, but I don't want to repeat the situation with Rick. I want someone who is genuinely interested in me. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing someone to date me, which is practically how it felt with him.

Time to go in now...


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