icyfingerwaves

It really sucks when you want physical affection and there's no one to give you any. Or at least no one you're interested in. I thought maybe Tim. Or this new guy, Lowell. I'm really not sure what to make of Tim. The last time we met (months ago now), he couldn't have made his disinterest in me clearer. Yet he keeps messaging me like that. But...nothing. Does he just enjoy having someone lust after him? I suspect that's probably the case. It's annoying and disheartening. My self-image took a huge hit over the past year and only now is some semblance of it starting to peek out again. This kind of shit doesn't help.

There are a few guys in my life right now who I'd like to explore more-than-friendly relations with, but I just can't bring myself to pull that trigger. If, heaven forbid, they all said no and recoiled in horror, it would take months to recover. I'm just not ready to put myself on the line like that again.

Bryson is truly one of the most annoying people I know. Almost totally humorless and generally overbearing. But everyone picks on him (without provocation, of course) and he has rotten luck, so we all have to pity poor fucking Bryson.

In witnessing how overbearing and opinionated he is, I'm starting to question some of the stories I've heard, such as strangers randomly coming up to him in bars to insult him, unprovoked. It's possible that these things happened the way he says, but I'm starting to doubt it a little bit. He has a bad energy about him. And he apparently feels guilty for the fact that he even exists. I don't know how he gets through a single day. It must be even more exhausting to be him than it is to be around him.

I'm having a hard time pretending that I like him. Things came to a head today, and I'm just going to have to step away from the group and hang out with the other guys one on one as I care to. Unfortunately, he knows something about me that only a handful of people know, and I'm afraid that if I make an enemy of him, he'll broadcast it to all of our mutual friends, and god knows who else. Ugh. I really wish he didn't know about that.

I'm under a lot of stress, largely in the background, even if I'm otherwise in an okay mood. I have moments, flashes, of incredible sadness. Sadness at the loss of a relationship that ended two years ago. At the loss of an entire life, one where I had a partner I could rely on, and a home. Gone now. I feel rudderless. I'm struggling to complete simple goals. But perhaps setting simple goals to begin with is a start. A new life will take shape from this mess, I tell myself. Maybe it will even be better than the one I'm mourning.

The other day I started practicing shodaigyo meditation again. I hadn't done it in a long time. It's a powerful practice, and focusing on the Odaimoku - chanting it steadier and for longer - has really had a calming, yet energizing effect on me. April marked 10 years since my taking jukai, and I've used the occasion as an opportunity to develop a more consistent practice, which has been a mostly successful endeavor. I'm beginning to understand the idea of attaining Buddhahood in this very life through upholding the Lotus Sutra in a more experiential way.

As Nichiren Shonin says, when one touches the Sutra, one's hand becomes a Buddha. When one chants it, one's mouth instantaneously becomes a Buddha. This is our practice.

A few more quiet moments...

I'm very tired and frazzled. I'm supposed to go look at that apartment today. Moving doesn't feel as urgent at the moment, but it's something that will need to happen soon. I don't know if I can swing it. So much stress around money right now. There are things I can do to alleviate it, but I can't seem to find sufficient motivation.

I feel badly about that last therapy session. It's just as well that I have a 3-week break from it. I felt...badgered. Pressured. Hounded. I understand what he was saying. I just don't feel validated too much, though he made it clear a long time ago that I probably wasn't going to get that from him.

Anyway...I really need to do something about all this. Sit down and set some goals. I'm not going to be able to rely on anyone to provide substantial help. I have to do this on my own. I know I can. I just need to do.

I'm glad I got the car thing taken care off. That's one worry off my mind. I have yet to hear from Brody. I'll text him again later. I probably should just leave it. I really don't know what to make of this. Sometimes I think he's definitely interested, and then I'll glance at myself in a mirror and think "Ugh."

So who knows? I want to find out for sure, but I don't want to repeat the situation with Rick. I want someone who is genuinely interested in me. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing someone to date me, which is practically how it felt with him.

Time to go in now...

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