icyfingerwaves

I feel badly about having to take so much time off work. That’s something to talk to CG about on Tuesday. I wish I didn’t need to do this. But things are so hard right now. It’s nice having quiet moments like this. I’m not at work on a timed break. I’m not at home listening to those damn dogs whining, not being able to go into the kitchen without having to deal with them.

Anyway. I should enjoy the peace while I’ve got it. I’d talk to my boss about the FMLA stuff, but she doesn’t really care. I should try not to think about that too much. Nothing can be done about it. I just have to try and get to a place where I can get through a couple of weeks without taking time off. It ends in November anyway, so I probably should start weaning myself off of it. It’s just hard when even a day off is stressful because I can’t really relax at home.

My aunt is not the world’s greatest host. I’m being forced to sleep on the couch tonight, yet it’s almost midnight and they’re considerately watching a movie in the living room that probably has another hour to go. And I have to get up early tomorrow and drive three hours to get back home. Ugh. It’ll definitely be a while before I come back.

Bryson is truly one of the most annoying people I know. Almost totally humorless and generally overbearing. But everyone picks on him (without provocation, of course) and he has rotten luck, so we all have to pity poor fucking Bryson.

In witnessing how overbearing and opinionated he is, I'm starting to question some of the stories I've heard, such as strangers randomly coming up to him in bars to insult him, unprovoked. It's possible that these things happened the way he says, but I'm starting to doubt it a little bit. He has a bad energy about him. And he apparently feels guilty for the fact that he even exists. I don't know how he gets through a single day. It must be even more exhausting to be him than it is to be around him.

I'm having a hard time pretending that I like him. Things came to a head today, and I'm just going to have to step away from the group and hang out with the other guys one on one as I care to. Unfortunately, he knows something about me that only a handful of people know, and I'm afraid that if I make an enemy of him, he'll broadcast it to all of our mutual friends, and god knows who else. Ugh. I really wish he didn't know about that.

The other day I started practicing shodaigyo meditation again. I hadn't done it in a long time. It's a powerful practice, and focusing on the Odaimoku - chanting it steadier and for longer - has really had a calming, yet energizing effect on me. April marked 10 years since my taking jukai, and I've used the occasion as an opportunity to develop a more consistent practice, which has been a mostly successful endeavor. I'm beginning to understand the idea of attaining Buddhahood in this very life through upholding the Lotus Sutra in a more experiential way.

As Nichiren Shonin says, when one touches the Sutra, one's hand becomes a Buddha. When one chants it, one's mouth instantaneously becomes a Buddha. This is our practice.

I'm glad I got the car thing taken care off. That's one worry off my mind. I have yet to hear from Brody. I'll text him again later. I probably should just leave it. I really don't know what to make of this. Sometimes I think he's definitely interested, and then I'll glance at myself in a mirror and think "Ugh."

So who knows? I want to find out for sure, but I don't want to repeat the situation with Rick. I want someone who is genuinely interested in me. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing someone to date me, which is practically how it felt with him.

Time to go in now...